Lu fikirlah sendiri

"Cakap tak serupa bikin. Lu fikirlah sendiri!!"

i received this particular comment from the previous post which i find funny. I wonder what that meant?

I wonder if you know the real story, i mean the REAL story, and not an edited version told by a friend of a friend or someone. I bet you'd be surprised. Hahaha.. You could not believe that anyone could do that.

Well anyway, its a new day, its a new beginning.

Hey had an interesting day at the office today.. had a real interesting discussion with some friends and colleagues in the morning about work and the state of the service as we see it today. Came up with some interesting ideas. I just wonder if we can do anything about them..

I think i am..

To be strong enough to walk away. I wonder how many of us are???

I am not strong. I thought i am, but i'm not. But Its time i am.

I have been... or more truthfully i am living a lie. I thought the relationship i have is worth fighting for, worth all the suffering i have to endure, worth giving up what i had to give up, ..... but now i know its not.

Its funny. My friends have been telling me what a fool i've been. Played like a fool. Fooled like the idiot i am. They say they see what i have all this while failed to see.

But then, love is blind, is it not? It makes us blind to everything around us. It makes us blind to all the foolishness and the lies. And it makes us see goodness where there really is none.

But i believed what i felt. I still do i guess, but now i have to think with my head, not my heart.

And i have to move on. I think i am ready this time. I think i am..

a friend...NOT

I had a good conversation with some buddies about the topic of creativity in Government. I dont mean to be critical here but its probably a fact that we all have to swallow, admit and perhaps do something about. We are not creative. I dont mean creative in an artistic sense. That we are. Its the other sense..

Let me illustrate this with examples. Why is it after all these years, we still rely on revenues from oil and gas to sustain us? Why havent revenues from other sources made any significant movement. We dont know how to make money? Another example, why is the perayaan for His Majesty's Birthday been the same year after year? I AM for celebrating it in a big way. yes. But why the same stuff? You know..the giant flag, the little flags, the night bazaar, the fireworks, etc? It seems like someone came up with a good idea for one year, and suddenly its a must-have for every year thereafter. Why cant we come up with something more exciting, more grand, more relevant to our time? Oh and my favourite example raised in our talk, why havent there been a pay raise since 1984? the relative cost of living has risen by some 30++ percent since then, but income havent kept up. The answer given is the same one year after year..which translates to 'we dont know where to get the money to pay for it'. haha.. I like that.

So what happened to creativity? creative in a way that can do good. make more money. solve more problems. create more jobs. build more homes. answer more questions. Are we stifling creativity? Are our policies somehow having the opposite effect to the ones we intended? Are we somehow not encouraging good new ideas? Is 'safe' the way forward for us?

Anyway, these are just my musings for this week. Not intended to be critical, but intended to make us think. Which is good, i think. Yes?

I received a major disappointment yesterday. Made me sad. Made me think about friendship and what that means to people. What is friendship? Who are our friends? Are they really our friends?

Is it too much to ask from a friend to help defend you? When you hear something bad being said about a good friend, would you defend him/her? Or would you listen and keep quiet, and then on a later date tell that friend what is being said about him? well... supposedly that is an act of being friendly... tell him what people are saying about you.

To me, it appears simple. If something bad is being said about someone, we should take a stand. if that someone is a friend, then we should help defend him. Correct a wrong. Not allow a lie to grow. Not allow someone who tells a lie to get away with it. Make him show proof of what hes saying. If you dont take a stand, then consider yourself no longer a friend. Because thats what your friend expect from you, that you would help protect him and his reputation. If you dont do that, why call yourself a friend? A false friend? Nobody wants a false friend. Thats not a real friend.

Take a stand. If hes your friend, help him clear his reputation. Confront the lie. Otherwise dont consider yourself a friend. I dont need friends like that.

If one friend is spreading a lie about another friend..then decide. Take a stand.

I dont need a friend who wont stand up for me.

how have your week been?

Its been a good week so far. Everyone has been good , and nice to me..smiling, happy. No ones mad at me yet. Nice. This is how i would expect a good week to be. Wish i have this every week.

I seem to have fallen to a routine nowadays. Work in the day. Kids at night, either driving them around to their various tuition classes, or piano classes or taekwondo classes or wherever they seem to always be going. Weekends i have my golf and my be-with-kids time, if i'm lucky. And in between all that, i have my time with my dearest. Which isnt much at all and i'm getting a lot of heat from her about that. No its not ideal but its all i have to offer. I wish there are 10 extra hours in a day, or i dont need to have 6, or 7 or 8 hours of sleep, or even better i have a superhuman ability to freeze time and flit between my commitments. That would be nice. Imagine being able to do that. I would be the bestest father in the world to my kids AND be the bestest boyfriend/lover/husband to my dearest. Yea! But no. I cant do any of those things. Sometime in the future perhaps i can clone myself but then i would come out as a baby..not much use to my kids or my dearest then huh.

And so i have to juggle my time between them, and its not bloody easy. I end up inadequate to both. My dearest is annoyed at me most of the time because i seem to be always with my kids, and my kids are annoyed because i seem to be not always around to take them to see the movies or the playground or somewhere. Oh i take them to the movies and the playground and the beach etc, but my kids expect more.

So why dont i just marry my dearest and live with her and the kids?? Well, thats another story. Right now, i can only say that its not possible. Not for lack of want. Not because of objections from others. But something else.

Anyway, its not easy being a divorcee with four kids, and at the same time trying to start another life with someone else. Maybe i regret what has happened, but thats not something i want to think about. Life moves on. Its not going to be perfect anymore, but it would just have to do. My dearest (whoever she may eventually be) would have to accept that, because if she doesnt see it and accept the compromises, then it just wouldnt work. Life is not like in the movies. I wish.

LIke i said, its been a pretty good week. I'm calm. I'm currently challenged, but its not something new and by now i seem to know how to handle it. I just say to myself to let whatever will happen, to happen. Its out of my hands.

So how have your week been?


p.s. whos the idiot??

sleeping

I've been thinking about my life lately. The good, the bad, the not so good, the downright ugly, the wins, the losses, the frustrations, the longing, the laughter and the songs. I guess its ok. I have it better than some. There are others who has it worse. But i cant shake this feeling that my life sucks! haha. The bad and the ugly wins over the good and the laughter. Yeah well life could have been better. Little hiccups and bigger roadblocks along the way have made it ..well.. not so good.

Anyway, i hope it gets better.

I've asked for a transfer from my current job. I honestly did. The work is actually not bad. Interesting and pretty challenging. My work place and especially my colleagues are brilliant. Fun and they work hard. Makes coming in to the office easy. So whats wrong u ask. Well, its the fact that day in and day out we work hard, but at the end of the day, nothing ever changes. The powers that be finds it so much easier to say "NO" to everything. And to work in an environment that is supposed to bring in change and innovation, but knowing that NO would be the answer in the end, is something i'd rather not be doing. Its so downright frustrating. And its affecting mine and my colleagues' motivation. So i'd rather move on and do something where i can do good, instead of being here and do this job.

Does that make sense?

I was with my kids tonight. Had a nice conversation. My younger boy asked his sister what her favourite pastime is. He thinks its reading, because she buys so many books. She laughs and said its watching TV. She seldom have time for reading even though she has built a large collection. I asked my somewhat (fat-tish) boy what his favourite pastime is. He said simply "I think its sleeping!! haha. Yes i agree! He sleeps all the time. Even in the car on the way to school. And today i found him sleeping in the car on the way home from his TaeKwonDo class. Haha.

I think i have to bring him out jogging soon. I cant even carry him anymore and hes only nine years old.

hot young thing

Aahhh..The legislative council meetings have come and gone. Motions debated and the budget passed through intact. Lots of questions (issues?) raised by the honorable gentlemen and openness prevailed. Well..in a way. For sure we know what the Government plans are now more than we did just a few years ago. Ministers have been forthcoming. Honest answers given. Yet i cant help feeling that it could have been more.

Anyway, i'm in a mess of sorts. Yep , the personal front has been going downhill. Way downhill. Maybe its me. Maybe i cant hold a relationship together. Yeah, maybe thats it. I'm a failure when it comes to relationships. Some people cant play a note of music, some cant swim, some cant cycle, many cant sing. I just cannot for the life of me hold a relationship together. My big failure. BOOM.

So here i am sitting alone at home. Feeling lousy. Yeah i know those who read this who know me will laugh. Yes that girl in my office with the cheeky smile (yes you!) will laugh at this. But just help me keep this one a secret huh??!?!?!

Oh and yeah...i just found out a good friend of mine is hooking up with a girl half his age. Waheeyyy!! Good for you. But what the hell are you gonna do with someone half your age man? Thats twenty fu#&@ng years!! Think about this.. When you turn fifty, she will only be thirty. When you're retiring at 55, she will still be the office flirt at 35. And when you're at your death bed, she will still be hot at fifty. Ha! Well okay it probably wont be that bad. You'll probably have lots of fun with your hot babe. You'll probably grow younger. Happier. Lots of good you-know-what. And damn you'll probably not be looking at other women. But man, what happens when you start to grow old?

Anyway, i'm going to sleep.

the world

Lots of things happening nowadays. People losing their jobs everywhere. Businesses going bust or not doing well. Banks going down. Business confidence non existent. makes for poor reading. I read and i worry. Normally i wouldnt but this time i am. HSBC is affected. AIA is in the news. Surely i would be affected. right?

Reading the local new and news from our Government agencies, its like the recession is passing us by. Its something like, yes the world economy is on a 'downturn', and yes we are affected in a way, but not by much. Really? Wow. If thats true, thats great news. But then only a naive fool like myself would think that. The world is global and what happens elsewhere should affect us.
Would affect us. We're just so sheltered that we dont feel anything yet. After all, most of us are Government servants and whatever happens, we get paid at the end of the month. But the private sector? We tend to believe that they are not affected because we havent heard anything in the news. But i have heard some friends and colleagues in the private sector complaining about business getting harder. Projects drying up. How is that?

Interesting news about Mongolia pumping a billion US$ to shore up their economy. Money they dont have but money they have to spend. To ensure their economy survives and people keep their jobs. A trillion in the US, several hundred billion in Japan, China, billions in singapore, Malaysia etc. Brunei really not affected? I really wonder.

Anyway, we keep up with the news and we do what we can to feed our family. Hopefully the Government is right and we are not affected. Though thats getting harder to believe but in the absence of alternative views, we have to keep faith.

my car

I love my car. Its a little Korean-made 4 wheeler and its cheap. Well cheap-ish. Its nice, the right size, nimble, quick when i want it to, comfortable, roomy enough for my little ones and it gets me where i want to go quick enough. And best of all, its great for those nowhere to go drives when i just feel like driving around. Oh and it has a great sound system. And thats the clincher. I can spend hours in that car driving around and just listening to some really good music. My kind of music. Which basically means any kind of music. As long as its music. I have Lou Reed in there, and UB40, and Sting and Jack Johnson and Creed and Hooberstank, Iron Maiden and John Cook, Springsteen and many others. Hell i even have Nelly and Snoop Dogg. I have a hundred CDs in my car. I have music for whatever mood i am in.

Anyway, i was asked some time ago about why i have such a small and 'cheapish' car when i could have other bigger cars. That someone felt i should be driving a bigger more expensive car like a Merc or a Lexus. Said they would suit my 'position' more. Haha. I couldnt help but laugh. Really. I told my friend that my little car was all i could afford at the time. After taking into account the house loan, and the house expenses like electricity and the maid, and the kids schooling, and their insurances for their education and their whatevers, and what i spend on them, and our daily needs, i didnt feel that i could justify buying a big expensive car.

Some of my friends and colleagues have these beautiful cars. Sometimes a bit of envy creeps in but only for a second. I used to have these cars before and so i know how it feels to own them. Yes you feel good driving them. You feel somehow 'superior' for want of a better word. You actually do. You feel everyone watching you with envy. You feel their eyes. You feel their stares. You feel special. Now i dont think i need to feel special anymore. I have other more important things to think about. A car is now a utility and is only an occasional luxury. I guess i'm getting older. Perhaps more ordinary. More dull. Hah!

A friend showed me her X5 recently. Big bulky X5. Beautifully made, expensive. I can buy 5 of my little four wheeler for the same price of one X5 . Seriously! She took me for a drive and later i drove it. My verdict? Its not a comfortable ride. Hard and bumpy. Jerky even, though perhaps that was due to my friends' driving. Haha. But i actually preferred my car! Well, if some rich bugger were to shove one into my garage i wouldnt turn it down, but i wouldnt buy one, even if i could easily afford one. Its too hard. Too bumpy. I prefer my little soft-roader, because its softer.

Anyway, end of story.

Just a little footnote : my younger boy (hes nine) thinks my car is 'cool'. My elder son (eleven years) thinks its rugged. haha. Nice one boys. Ice Cream for everyone!!!

modest bastard

I guess its time to write again. Its been a while.

I feel good. I honestly have been feeling good over the last few weeks, months. Love life still a headache but i think i have a handle on it now. Que sera sera..whatever will be will be. Yeah. If i am meant to be with her, then i will be. If not, then i rela, for her happiness. She means the world to me but i now realise and accept that maybe i cannot make her happy, no matter what i do. She wants something in life that i think i cannot provide. So i will relent, if she so wants me to. In the meantime, i will enjoy her company and enjoy my life.

I have been feeling so happy of late. Its good. I'm keeping healthy. I have my daily, well almost daily, runs at Tasek park. I enjoy that so much. I walk and run and run until i am totally soaked. An hour later and i am done, and by then would be totally soaked and drained but feeling so on top of the world. Hah. I cannot believe it but i think i am so totally addicted to my runs now. Every afternoon after work, i look up and if the weather permits, i head to Tasek. Oh yeah. And i now feel soooo healthy. I have so much energy now. I feel good. I feel healthy. I feel confident. And being the totally modest bastard that i am, i now think i look good!! hahaha.

Hey the National day was yesterday. That was great, right? Umm yeah. I was at the Stadium. I expected a truly grand, truly extravagant show. But it was .. ordinary. A typical Bruneian 'acara padang'. Lots of people running and waving their colorful fans. A few people fainted because of the heat. A lot of happy faces. Tired faces. Hot faces. But i honestly think somebody lost the plot somewhere along the way. The march past was waaayyyy too long. seriously too long. 108 teams joining the march past, way past an hour. Interesting at first but too much towards the end. Too long. Too bloody long. Honestly there were just two things that most people will remember about that march past... HRH Pengiran Anak Sarah in her army fatigues (brilliant!!) and the shoe that some poor girl lost during her march past! But i suppose one needs to congratulate the organisers. Putting together that many people (there were many!) in one place to celebrate our being a country was truly an achievement. It couldnt have been easy but they did it. And so i take my hats off to them.

Brunei is really a fantastic place to live in. I am glad i live here. Everything i want, i can get here. Its a good life. Its not perfect, mind. Lots of things we can improve on, lots of errors along the way, but i am more positive about it now. Its my country, and i am proud being a countryman.

education

I'm sitting at the coffeebean in Bandar with my laptop and listening to 80s rock legend Iron Maiden. Right now i'm listening to 'Hallowed by thy name' , a real amazing song. Brings me back to my early years. haha. Looking back to those years i am amazed at how easy and carefree life was back then. Yeah okay i may be at school then doing my 'A' levels and Uni, but life was still good. Great. I had only one main responsibility, which was to study. Everything else was someone else's responsibility..my parents, guardian, teachers, and so on. And i did my responsibility. I had fun and i had my share of foolishness, but i studied. Angkat bakul sikit ni.

Some time ago, i was at the swimming complex at Berakas, giving support to my children who were competing in some swimming meet ( i forgot which). I was at the grandstand. Lots of parents there, and family members, cheering their kids. As usual, the expats were more vocal than most of us, but it was good. They know how to cheer. Support for their children. All in good spirit. But what amazed me was this family of four, a chinese mother and her three young kids, maybe aged between 4 and twelve. Her elder daughter was competing. But what she was doing in the grandstand with her other kids were not cheering. They were studying! The kids all had their books open and the mother was busy setting tests for her kids. haha. Amazing! At the time i found it amusing. Funny even. Amid lots of cheering and shouting were this group of four who were quiet and studying. Isnt that incredible.

I ended up admiring the dedication of the mother. Her will for her children to succeed in education and in life is so amazing. Thinking about it now, i have no doubt tat her children will succeed. She has instilled in her children the love of studying and from such an early age.

Me on the other hand, someone who dotes on my children, and one who claims to be doing all i can to ensure they succeed in life, does not have it in me to force my children to study like that. I persuade and cajole, and sometimes having to 'bribe' them to study, but i do not force them. Most nights they watch TV or play. I only ask them to study an hour to an hour and a half a day. Most times they do. Sometimes they dont. When we go out, our aim is to enjoy ourselves. When we go to the stadium, our aim is to support and make noise and have fun. When we go to a restaurant, we go to eat. We do not bring our books out. Huh. Am i wrong? Am i leading them to a life of mediocrity? I dont know. Help!!!

There is no point to this post. I am just bored. I am just telling stories. Life has taken a downhill slide lately and i am trying to cope as best i can. Those close to me has offered all kinds of advice but i tend not to listen. My feelings and my heart tells me to hold on. And so i will. I am an optimist and i know i will succeed in the end. I know i will. Even if everyone else thinks not. Sad.

Oh, and i have been following developments in Malaysia lately. I'm not sure what will happen in the end, but what is happening now is frightening enough. The failings of the Malay race. Huh. But whatever happen in the end, things will never be the same again. Perhaps this is all good in the end. Perhaps.

festive cheer

Some friends are going out of their way to spread some festive cheer this Ramadhan. Among a group of them they pool their money and off they went to buy Raya stuff for some displaced souls. They bought Raya clothes and foodstuff and cakes and over the next week they are going to visit some poor families to distribute some festive cheer. I applaud their actions. They have a good sense of community values and care and for a group of young people, its really admirable. Yes they are young, well younger than me, in their mid twenties, and i never thought i would see that here. Their own initiative. Their own effort. Imagine the feel-good feeling they will have this Raya.

And thats the way it should be. Raya is not just about us having a good time. It should also be about making sure others having a good time as well. I dont know how we can feel good and happy knowing there are others out there who are miserable.

Helping others makes us feel good. It does! Giving makes us feel good. It does! It gives us a feeling of satisfaction, a glow inside of us, knowing that we helped those who needs our help. If you want to know what it feels like, try it! Do this..the next time you're at the tamu, spend those spare couple of dollars on buying some pesungkaian such as cendol or currypuff or something, and then just drop them off at a poor family's home in your neighborhood. See how good that simple act will make you feel.

Anyway, I hope everyone is having a happy ramadhan. Its been good for me so far. Though i feel age catching up with me. Been feeling tired and feverish lately. I've been pumping myself up with antibiotics too (crazy doctors!) but i'm still not well. Yeah maybe i'm getting old.

Lost

I thought i've seen it all. But apparently i havent. I am so very affected by a story i read this morning (here)

Well in case you are too lazy to read the link, its a story of three little kids (a sixteen year old and his 10 and 9 year old siblings) abandoned by their parents. Hes having to look after his siblings while still in school, looking for food and being a parent to them. Read the link!

I am a sucker for such stories. I do my bit to help and wish i can do more. I wish i can offer them my home, but i know i couldnt. i wish i wish i wish...

Imagine..abandoned at that age. Having to live on their own. No electricity. No income. No Parents. No food. I wouldnt know what to do if i was their age. I couldnt imagine my kids...

Its hard for me because i have kids that age. I have a daughter and a son that age. I wouldnt abandon them. I wouldnt leave them wanting for anything. I would give my all for them. I would give my life for them. The most precious in my life are my children. They are my life. And to see this story... breaks my heart.

I am lost for words. I'm just trying to see if theres anything else i can do...